[Room in Tavern by the river side. A large window in flat, through which the river
is seen, filled wth floating ice. Moon light. Table and chairs brought on. Enter
Phineas.]
PHINEAS:
Chaw me up into tobaccy ends! how in the name of all that’s onpossible
am I to get across that yer pesky river? It’s a reg’lar blockade of ice! I promised
Ruth to meet her to-night, and she’ll be into my har if I don’t come. [(Goes to
window.)]
Thar’s a conglomerated prospect for a loveyer! What in creation’s to
be done? That thar river looks like a permiscuous ice-cream shop come to an
awful state of friz. If I war on the adjacent bank, I wouldn’t care a teetotal
atom. Rile up, you old varmit, and shake the ice off your back!
[Enter: (Enter Eliza and Harry.)]
ELIZA:
Courage, my boy — we have reached the river. Let it but roll bet-
ween us and our pursuers, and we are safe! [(Goes to window.)]
Gracious powers!
the river is choked with cakes of ice!
PHINEAS:
Holloa, gal! — what’s the matter? You look kind of streaked.
ELIZA:
Is there any ferry or boat that takes people over now?
PHINEAS:
Well, I guess not; the boats have stopped running.
ELIZA:
[(In dismay.)]
Stopped running?
PHINEAS:
Maybe you’re wanting to get over — anybody sick? Ye seem
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mighty anxious.
ELIZA:
I — I — I’ve got a child that’s very dangerous. I never heard of it till
last night, and I’ve walked quite a distance to-day, in hopes to get to the ferry.
PHINEAS:
Well, now, that’s onlucky; I’m re’lly consarned for ye. Thar’s a
man, a piece down here, that’s going over with some truck this evening, if he
duss to; he’ll be in here to supper to-night, so you’d better set down and wait.
That’s a smart little chap. Say, young’un, have a chaw tobaccy? [(Takes out a
large plug and a bowie-knife.)]
ELIZA:
No, no! not any for him.
PHINEAS:
Oh! he don’t use it, eh? Hain’t come to it yet? Well, I have. [(Cuts
off a large piece, and returns the plug and knife to pocket.)]
What’s the matter
with the young ‘un? He looks kind of white in the gills!
ELIZA:
Poor fellow! he is not used to walking, and I’ve hurried him on so.
PHINEAS:
Tuckered, eh? Well, there’s a little room there, with a fire in it.
Take the baby in there, make yourself comfortable till that thar ferryman
shows his countenance — I’ll stand the damage.
ELIZA:
How shall I thank you for such kindness to a stranger?
PHINEAS:
Well, if you don’t know how, why, don’t try; that’s the teetotal.
Come, vamose! [(Exit, Eliza and Harry.)]
Chaw me into sassage meat, if that
ain’t a perpendicular fine gal! she’s a reg’lar A No. 1 sort of female! How’n
thunder am I to get across this refrigerated stream of water? I can’t wait for that
ferryman. [(Enter Marks.)]
Halloa! what sort of a critter’s this? [(Advances.)]
Say,
stranger, will you have something to drink?
MARKS:
You are excessively kind: I don’t care if I do.
PHINEAS:
Ah! he’s a human. Holloa, thar! bring us a jug of whisky instan-
taneously, or expect to be teetotally chawed up! Squat yourself, stranger, and go
in for enjoyment. [(They sit at table.)]
Who are you, and what’s your name?
MARKS:
I am a lawyer, and my name is Marks.
PHINEAS:
A land shark, eh? Well, I dont’ think no worse on you for that.
The law is a kind of necessary evil; and it breeds lawyers just as an old stump
does fungus. Ah! here’s the whisky. [(Enter Waiter, with jug and tumblers. Places
them on table.)]
Here, you — take that shin-plaster. [(Gives bill.)]
I don’t want any
change — thar’s a gal stopping in that room — the balance will pay for her — d’ye
hear? — vamose! [(Exit Waiter. Fills glass.)]
Take hold, neighbor Marks — don’t
shirk the critter. Here’s hoping your path of true love may never have an ice-
choked river to cross! [(They drink.)]
MARKS:
Want to cross the river, eh?
PHINEAS:
Well, I do, stranger. Fact is, I’m in love with the teetotalist pretty girl,
over on the Ohio side, that ever wore a Quaker bonnet. Take another swig,
neighbor. [(Fills glasses, and they drink.)]
MARKS:
A Quaker, eh?
PHINEAS:
Yes — kind of strange, ain’t it? The way of it was this: — I used to
own a grist of niggers — had ‘em to work on my plantation, just below here.
Well, stranger, do you know I fell in with that gal — of course I was considerably
smashed — knocked into a pretty conglomerated heap — and I told her so. She
said she wouldn’t hear a word from me so long as I owned a nigger!
MARKS:
You sold them, I suppose?
PHINEAS:
You’re teetotally wrong, neighbor. I gave them all their freedom,
and told ‘em to vamose!
MARKS:
Ah! yes — very noble, I dare say, but rather expensive. This act won
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you your lady-love, eh?
PHINEAS:
You’re off the track again, neighbor. She felt kind of pleased
about it, and smiled, and all that; but she said she could never be mine unless I
turned Quaker! Thunder and earth! what do you think of that? You’re a
lawyer — come, now, what’s your opinion? Don’t you call it a knotty point?
MARKS:
Most decidedly. Of course you refused.
PHINEAS:
Teetotally; but she told me to think better of it, and come to-night
and give her my final conclusion. Chaw me into mince meat, if I haven’t made
up my mind to do it!
MARKS:
You astonish me!
PHINEAS:
Well, you see, I can’t get along without that gal; — she’s sort of
fixed my flint, and I’m sure to hang fire without her. I know I shall make a
queer sort of Quaker, because you see, neighbor, I ain’t precisely the kind of
material to make a Quaker out of.
MARKS:
No, not exactly.
PHINEAS:
Well, I can’t stop no longer. I must try to get across that can-
daverous river some way. It’s getting late — take care of yourself, neighbor
lawyer. I’m a teetotal victim to a pair of black eyes. Chaw me up to feed hogs, if
I’m not in a ruinatious state! [(Exit.)]
MARKS:
Queer genius, that, very! [(Enter Tom Loker.)]
So you’ve come at
last.
LOKER:
Yes. [(Looks into jug.)]
Empty! Waiter! more whisky!
[(Waiter enters, with jug, and removes the empty one. Enter Haley.)]
HALEY:
By the land! if this yer ain’t the nearest, now, to what I’ve heard
people call Providence! Why, Loker, how are ye?
LOKER:
The devil! What brought you here, Haley?
HALEY:
[(Sitting at table.)]
I say, Tom, this yer’s the luckiest thing in the world.
I’m in a devil of a hobble, and you must help me out!
LOKER:
Ugh! aw! like enough. A body may be pretty sure of that when
you’re glad to see ‘em, or can make something off of ‘em. What’s the blow now?
HALEY:
You’ve got a friend here — partner, perhaps?
LOKER:
Yes, I have. Here, Marks — here’s that ar fellow that I was with in
Natchez.
MARKS:
[(Grasping Haley’s hand.)]
Shall be pleased with his acquaintance.
Mr. Haley, I believe?
HALEY:
The same, sir. The fact is, gentlemen, this morning I bought a
young ‘un of Shelby up above here. His mother got wind of it, and what does she
do but cut her lucky with him; and I’m afraid by this time that she has crossed
the river, for I tracked her to this very place.
MARKS:
So, then, ye’re fairly sewed up, ain’t ye? He! he! he! it’s neatly
done, too.
HALEY:
This young ‘un business makes lots of trouble in the trade.
MARKS:
Now, Mr. Haley, what is it? Do you want us to undertake to catch
this gal?
HALEY:
The gal’s no matter of mine — she’s Shelby’s — it’s only the boy. I
was a fool for buying the monkey.
LOKER:
You’re generally a fool!
MARKS:
Come now, Loker, none of your huffs; you see, Mr. Haley’s a-puttin’ us in
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a way of a good job. I reckon: just hold still — these yer arrangements are my
forte. This yer gal, Mr. Haley — how is she? what is she?   [(Eliza appears, with Harry, listening.)]
HALEY:
Well, white and handsome — well brought up. I’d have given
Shelby eight hundred or a thousand, and then made well on her.
MARKS:
White and handsome — well brought up! Look here now, Loker, a
beautiful opening. We’ll do a business here on our own account. We does the
catchin’; the boy, of course, goes to Mr. Haley — we takes the gal to Orleans to
speculate on. Ain’t it beautiful? [(They confer together.)]
ELIZA:
Powers of mercy, protect me! How shall I escape these human blood-
hounds? Ah! the window — the river of ice! That dark stream lies between
me and liberty! Surely the ice will bear my trifling weight. It is my only chance
of escape — better sink beneath the cold waters, with my child locked in my
arms, than have him torn from me and sold into bondage. He sleeps upon my
breast — Heaven, I put my trust in thee! [(Gets out of window.)]
MARKS:
Well, Tom Loker, what do you say?
LOKER:
It’ll do!
[(Strikes his hand violently on the table. Eliza screams. They all start to their feet.
Eliza disappears. Music, chord.)]
HALEY:
By the land, there she is now! [(They all rush to the window.)]
MARKS:
She’s making for the river!
LOKER:
Let’s after her!
[(Music. They all leap through the window. Change.)]